


The Things We Tell Each Other

by bluestbluetoeverblue



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Canonical Character Death, F/M, M/M, Marauders' Era, Prisoner of Azkaban, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-14 23:17:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15399780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluestbluetoeverblue/pseuds/bluestbluetoeverblue
Summary: Everything Lily says and everything she doesn't.





	The Things We Tell Each Other

The first time Lily Evans stepped on the Hogwarts Express, she was nervous but trying not to be. She walked through the crowded aisle of the train, head high, eyes taking in everyone around her. A train full of magical kids, and they all looked pretty normal to her as they bustled about, yelling out to friends after a summer apart. Lily stepped into the first empty-looking compartment and sat on the bench with a large exhale. Only upon sitting down did she notice the mousy-haired boy on the other bench. He was rather small, much shorter than Lily, who had already surpassed most of the kids her age in height. He was curled slightly into the corner of the compartment with his head leaning to the side as he breathed steadily. Lily noticed the freckles across the bridge of his nose that mirrored her own.

The commotion outside the compartment crescendoed then hushed as students filed into compartments and the train began to pull out of the station. Lily looked out the window as quick as she could and watched her parents become smaller and smaller on the platform until they were replaced with blurring greenery. Lily turned her attention back to the boy, who, having seemed to feel her eyes on him, began to wake up.

“Hello,” Lily said as the boy lifted his head and straightened his back. He looked at her with warm brown eyes.

“Hi,” he replied in a sleepy voice. “Have we left?”

“Only a minute ago.” She smiled. “I’m Lily, Lily Evans.”

“Remus,” the boy responded.

“Is this your first year?”

“Yes, you?”

Lily nodded and said, “Exciting, isn’t it?” She couldn’t help but grin. Remus didn’t seem to share her excitement and only nodded. “Did you bring more than one cauldron? The list only said one, but my parents were sure that I should bring a spare, and the woman at the shop was being pretty convincing, but I think she was just trying to make another sale.”

“Are your parents Muggles?” Remus asked.

“Yes, they’re both normal. Yours?”

“My dad’s magic, but my mum’s a Muggle.”

“How did that work? How could she believe him and not think he was crazy?”

“You’re parents put you on a train to go and learn magic, didn’t they?”

Lily smiled and replied, “I suppose they did. After the initial shock, it explained all the strange things I’d been doing since before I could even walk.”

Remus stood for a moment, peeked out the compartment door, and sat back down.

“My dad said that they sell sweets on the train, and I’m absolutely starving.”

Lily wanted to say that he looked like he needed more than sweets: besides his small frame, the boy walked like every muscle in his body hurt, and his pale skin was splattered with scratches and bruises. Instead, she agreed that a piece of chocolate didn’t sound too bad.

***

“He’s the absolute worst!”

“He’s okay if you get to know him.”

“Why would anyone want to get to know him? He’s an irritating, aggravating, self-obsessed, pompous—”

“—hot—”

“Remus!”

Lily’s eyes widened as she stared at her friend. Remus was sitting with his back against the wall, wearing a smile that made her want to reach across the library table and slap him.

“I’m just saying, if you hate James so much, why do you spend all your time talking about him?”

“I don’t,” Lily lied. “Just because you’re in love with all your roommates doesn’t mean that I am.”

Remus’ cheeks flushed pink as he looked down at the half-written scroll in front of him.

“I didn’t mean—”

“Yes you did,” Remus interrupted in an even tone. “We should finish these.” He picked up a quill and began writing.

 _Tell me the truth_ _,_  Lily thought to herself. _I know everything else. Tell me about him._

She picked up her own quill and got to work.

***

As a darkness grew thicker around the wizarding world, the professors became tense and more serious. Most of them would not say much, but McGonagall spoke of an impending war with a sincerity that filled Lily’s chest with a cold sense of dread. She had only known this part of herself for four years, and now, this wonderful world she had just begun to explore was turning to shadows. Like any fourteen year old, she felt helpless.

The common room was unusually quiet for a Thursday night, probably because McGonagall had been assigning triple her normal amount of homework. Students of every year were spending more nights in the library, so Lily had the room to herself. She spread out on one of the deep red couches, a pile of books sitting on the floor beside her. She was halfway through a reading for herbology when a messy-haired figure came bounding from the boys dormitories.

“Evening, Evans,” James said as he rounded on the couch, slowing down on his way to the portrait hole. Lily reread the last line of the paragraph she was on, something about bubotubers and petrol. “What, no time to say hi?”

Lily rolled her eyes.

“You need a life, Evans. Keeping your nose in a book all the time might make you top of the class, but it doesn’t look like much fun.”

“I have a life, Potter, but unlike some people, I don’t broadcast my every breathing second to the whole school.”

“Of course not,” James replied, always ready for the next volley, “if you did, you’d never have time to think about me and our lovely conversations.”

“Contrary to what your incredible ego suggests, I spend very little time thinking about you.” _And your hair. And how crooked your glasses are when you run into class late._

“Evans,” he held his hand over his heart with a pained expression on his face, “I’m hurt."

***

Lily watched out the window as families milled about on the platform, parents hesitant to say goodbye to their ready students. The compartment door slid open, and she turned from the window to see a patched jumper and warm smile. She jumped up and wrapped her arms around Remus, who returned the hug equally.

“Your hair’s longer,” Lily said, flipping a wavy dirty blond lock off of his ear affectionately as they sat down.

“So’s yours,” Remus said with a smile. “Fifth years. Can you believe it?”

“We’ve always been mature beyond our age,” Lily shrugged. “Speaking of children, where are the others? Shouldn’t you be making sure they don’t accidentally destroy the castle in some welcome back trick?”

“Haven’t seen them yet. James always shows up at the last minute, and Sirius is probably getting a lecture from his parents.”

“Did you hear a lot from them over the summer?” Lily asked.

“James sent me a few postcards from his trip,” Remus replied with a knowing look. “I’m sure the whole table will hear all about it at dinner tonight. Honestly, though, I think he was excited to go back to school.”

_Me too._

“What about your summer?” Lily asked. “Tell me it was better than mine; I spent three months with Petunia shooting daggers at me every second.”

“It was nice to see my parents, but I hate turning there. They’re so good about it, always have been, but I know they still can’t sleep on full moons.”

“I’m glad you’re here now, then.” She reached to grab a bar of chocolate from her bag, broke of a chunk, and handed it to Remus. It was tradition: she always brought Muggle chocolate for the ride back. It guaranteed her having a bit of the trip with Remus when he wasn’t helping his scheming friends. She liked catching up with Mary and Marlene, but after a summer without magic, all she wanted to do was talk to him.

Remus chewed thoughtfully on a dark square before saying, “Sirius wrote me a bit too.”

“Yeah?” Lily took a bite and watched her friend. He looked at the blooming purple spots on his pale hands as he spoke.

“He sent some letters. Just saying hi.”

“Remus.”

“Don’t start.” He looked at her, and she realized that he had grown taller over the summer. Their eyes were level as he glared.

“You have to tell him,” Lily said in as soft a voice she could find.

“I can’t.” _Won’t._

“Why not?”

“Because it wouldn’t matter,” Remus huffed, the lines of his face growing hard. “It doesn’t matter how I feel.”

“Of course it does.”

“He’s not like me, Lily. I’m halfblood and queer and a _werewolf_.”

“I’m still not seeing a problem. I don’t care about your lycanthropy, and I had only heard about bloodthirsty werewolves in fairy tales before I met you.”

“Even if that didn’t matter, he’s pureblood.”

“Sirius might be an immature, insolent ass, but he has clearly never cared about your blood status.” Remus rubbed a hand over his face, tipping his head back against the wall. Lily continued to sit at attention, waiting for a reasonable response.

“Being friends with his roommate is completely different than being a...a blood traitor.”

“You think I don’t understand the severity of blood in the wizarding world? I’m the one who’s been called a Mudblood once a week since we were eleven.”

“And what would they say about me?” Remus asked, voice rising, then falling. “What would Sirius say? I’m already…"

Lily pressed a hand on her friend’s knee and looked him in the eyes.

“Remus Lupin, you are kind and smart and unbelievably funny. You juggle more than any of us have to deal with, and you still never have a bad thing to say. All you do is give and see the best in people. I know it. He knows it. And if you ever talk about yourself like you are anything less than gold, I will absolutely punch you in the gut.”

They sat for a second in a silence that was neither awkward nor tense but full of mutual understanding before a the compartment door slid open to reveal the subject of their discussion and, after a moment, James behind him.

“There you are,” James said as the train began to make noise and tug away from the platform outside their window.

_Goddamn. Eyes like those should be a crime._

“Mind if we take your boyfriend, Evans?” James asked, the right side of his mouth raised.

“Come on, Remus,” Sirius said with a grin. “We’ve important matters to discuss in private.” Remus rolled his eyes and stood to grab his bag.

“Do everyone a favor and don’t ruin our first week back with some extravagant display of your stupidity,” Lily shot.

“I think you mean genius,” Sirius replied. James smiled at the game and winked.

“See you at dinner, Evans.”

They disappeared down the aisle, and Remus turned before he left. He took Lily’s hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“I’ll see you later. And Lily,” he looked at her seriously, but the hint of a smile played on his face, “you’re much too good for him.”

_I know._

***

James was driving her crazy. They were sitting in the courtyard on a cloudy Sunday afternoon their sixth year. It was one of those days when summer and fall were still bleeding together and no one could stand being cooped up inside to do homework. Not that James was doing homework. Instead, he sat a few feet from her, watching her underlining passages in her DADA book. She could feel his eyes on her as he ignored the open book in front of him. She looked up from where she laid on her stomach on the grass.

“What is it?”

“Huh?” he asked innocently.

“What is it you want to say, Potter?”

He looked up at the sky for a moment and, seeming to have found the words, began to speak.

“Well, I’ve got something a little strange to tell you. About me. And you’ll probably be shocked, and a bit mad, but I want to tell you anyway. I want you to know.”

“Okay…” She closed her book and sat up so that she was facing him.

“I’m...an animagus.”

_Oh, that._

“Okay.” She opened her book back up.

“You’re not gonna say anything else?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Lily gave a resigned sigh and looked him dead in the eye. “At least you’re not a werewolf.”

It was mean, she knew, but she couldn’t resist playing with him. He was too cute when he was shocked. She watched him work this over in his head.

“He told you?”

“I figured it out,” she said with a laugh. “Years before you did, might I add.”

“And he told you about all of us and the spell?”

“Remus tells me everything, babe. We keep each other’s secrets.” He was starting to pout in a half-hearted way. “But I’m impressed that you pulled it off without his help and didn’t completely mangle any limbs. And, it was sweet of you.”

“And that’s when you realized you were madly in love with me?” he asked.

“Sure.” She pushed him playfully on the shoulder with a smile, looking down at her book once more.

***

The end of seventh year loomed, and Lily could feel it waiting for them all, only a few short weeks away. She savored every moment, tried to soak in every memory from inside those walls. Late nights spent in the common room with Remus, sitting high in the Quidditch stands unable to hear the announcer over the cheers, giving James a good luck kiss before each match, watching the boys pass notes in class in the least inconspicuous manner possible. Hogwarts had been her introduction to all things magical and to a part of herself she had never known existed. And it had brought her two of the most amazing people she had ever met. Despite an uncertain future in the world she had grown so fond of, Lily was sure that they would only continue growing up together after they left school.

This morning, she was uncharacteristically quiet, busy watching James and Remus and Sirius swap foods, make fun of each other, and chatter away.

“Have you thought any about what we talked about?” James asked, glancing at where Lily sat beside him. She rolled her eyes, uninterested in knowing any details about whatever they were planning.

Next to James, Remus shook his head.

“Water is absolutely out of the question. I looked everywhere, but there’s just no spell to contain it the way you want to. But I have a few other ideas.”

“Like?” James asked, lowering his voice.

“Have you ever considered the power of a gust of wind?” Remus asked in a conspiratorial voice. This was, apparently, a breakthrough in what had been months of brainstorming on a farewell prank. It was to be their magnum opus, James insisted. _Just leave me out of it._

Lily was witness to the excitement on their faces, even Remus’. He was glowing, and she wasn’t the only one who saw it. Lily watched Sirius from across the table. She saw the way he looked at their friend, knew that he was flashing a smile reserved just for his Moony.

 _Tell him,_ she thought. For a moment, she caught Sirius’ eye. _Be brave._ He turned away.

***

Lily Evans stood on an altar with her best friend beside her, her parents watching her, and the boy she loved standing in front of her. “I do,” she said. _Forever._ A year later, she stood in a cottage holding a warm bundle in her arms. She pressed her lips to Harry’s black curls and whispered, “You’re the most magic thing I’ve ever done.”

Lily Evans stood in a nursery, defiant, protective. She yelled. She pleaded. She sacrificed.

***

In every moment that Harry wishes for a mother, Lily is there. She keeps a constant vigil from the other side. She is at peace, except for the parts of her that are still living.

 _I’m here,_ she whispers when Harry sobs beneath the stairs. She screams at Petunia, at Vernon, at Dumbledore, at everyone she can think of. She screams the endless scream of a mother whose voice will not die.

Simultaneously, in every moment that Remus is alone, she speaks to him. At first, it is in anger. He spirals away from any home he has ever known, and she spends every second yelling at him for not fighting for Harry. After a year, her voice softens.

 _I’m here,_  she says, when he tosses and turns in a dark room unable to sleep.

 _Stop doing this to yourself,_ when he grows further apart from the life they had built. Remus spends his time in pubs and caves and abandoned shacks, and she is with him. She watches him turn and swears that in that form he can almost hear her. _I’m sorry,_ she whispers.

_Everything is wrong. It wasn’t him. This was our fault. I’m sorry._

***

Remus Lupin falls asleep on the Hogwarts Express like he has so many times before. He wakes up to a creeping coldness and a face that is hauntingly familiar, and the best he can think to do is dig out a chocolate bar. Days later, he finally can find the words and manges to talk to the boy with the green eyes after class. A thousand apologies form on the tip of his tongue. Instead, he talks about Harry’s parents.

_Finally._

That night, Remus sits in his new office and stares out at the grounds beneath his window. Being back in the castle is a feeling he can’t put into a coherent thought. Every hall, every room is a moment in time. A prank, a secret, a hurried scroll. The Great Hall booms with noise, and each morning he looks out at the sea of tables expecting to catch a glimpse of their faces. He sees them in the halls: a flash of red hair, a mischievous smile. This castle is home. This castle is punishment. Being around Harry is another thing entirely. He grows fond of the clever, quiet, passionate young boy, but every time he sees his messy hair and round glasses, he expects to find Sirius beside him. Remus reminds himself again and again that he cannot miss him.

“I’m sorry,” he says to the empty office. A new tradition: once in a while, when he is desperate or lost, he speaks to her. She listens as his voice cracks, disappearing into the recesses of the stone walls. “I shouldn’t have left. Never for that long. But I’m here now. I promise; I’ve got him.”

_I know._

***

Lily’s consciousness follows Sirius as he sneaks through the castle halls, urging him on. He could find his was to Gryffindor Tower with his eyes closed, she knows, but that isn’t where she wants him to be. _Stop,_ she begs, as he pads through the common room. _Find Remus. You can still trust him._ But she can only watch helplessly, unable to will herself into any tangible form.

Months later, she watches three children and three men meet in the Shrieking Shack, all thinking the wrong things about each other. When it is finally over, she can almost breathe. Harry is safe for the moment, and everyone knows the truth.

***

Remus sits with his head in his hands, more tired than he has ever been.

“I’m sorry,” he says again. “How could I have believed that you would betray them?”

Sirius watches from where he leans against an old table in ragged clothes, long hair shielding the sunken parts of his face. He shakes his head.

“I believed the same of you.”

“Yes but…” Remus’ eyes grow wet, but he has no energy to let anything out.

“Remus.” Sirius’ voice is different than it was when they were kids, hard, with a sharp edge to it no matter what he says. He sits beside him on the bed, but Remus refuses to look up.

 _Open your eyes,_ Lily says, as if either of them can hear her. _You’re both as blind as when we were fifteen._

Sirius puts a hand on Remus’ shoulder and says, “I was sure that it was you. I didn’t want to believe it, but there was no other explanation. For twelve years I hated you, so I’m not upset that you didn’t trust me.”

“But—” Remus’ voice shakes. _After all these years? All this missed time and you still can’t say it?_ He looks up at Sirius’ coal black eyes, mouth slightly open but unable to speak. _You are the world; you can do this._ “I didn’t hate you,” he says at last.

Sirius cocks his head, confused, and waits silently.

“I tried,” Remus continues in a desperate voice, turning to look at the dusty wooden floor beneath them. “Every part of me was sure that you had betrayed us and gotten them killed. I tried to hate you for it, but I couldn’t. Because even then, I loved you. Like I have since we were thirteen years old. I loved you, so I hated myself instead.”

_Thank you._

Sirius sits like a statue, eyes locked on the side of Remus’ face. Remus won’t take his own eyes off of his feet until he feels a hand on his arm. He turns to Sirius, whose face is more pained than he has ever seen it.

“I didn’t know,” Sirius breathes. His hand is still on Remus’ arm. “All those years I thought...I didn’t think you felt the same way.”

Remus opens his mouth, then closes it.

“It was September,” Sirius says in an almost whisper. “We were telling stories at dinner. Everyone was laughing, and I looked at you to see if you were laughing too. I always did that. But you had laid your head down on the table beside me and were asleep. Dinner untouched, at a table filled with noise, and you were asleep.” The ghost of a smile played on his lips. “That was the first time I admitted to myself how I felt about you. I’m sorry that I never told you.”

_Say something._

Remus carefully puts a hand to Sirius’ ashen cheek, and everyone holds their breath. Then he kisses him, softly, for only a moment. Neither has done this in years, but suddenly they are both fifteen and unafraid. Instead of pulling apart, they wrap their arms around each other.

“We’re both here now,” Remus murmurs into Sirius’ shoulder.

_And everything will be better this time._

**Author's Note:**

> Let's just pretend that the other Marauders figured out what Lupin's monthly disappearances were a few years later, okay? Because do we honestly think they were observant enough to put it together at twelve?
> 
> Didn't write Peter into any scenes because, as always, I don't like writing him. But we're following mostly canon, so he's in the Shrieking Shack in the POA scene.
> 
> Lastly, it's safe to say that James is watching over Harry, Sirius, and Remus 24/7 too. Time, space, and energy don't constrain you in the same way behind the veil, so he and Lily can do this separately and be at peace together at the same time.
> 
> I'm still not super confident in my ability to write for this fandom, so thanks for reading! xoxo
> 
> [Buy me a coffee if you enjoyed it?](https://ko-fi.com/L4L4WBXK#)


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